Not quite a supernova

(source)

I've been feeling bad lately. I feel as though I haven't been progressing as much as I said I would when I started this blog. When I started this, I was so full of optimism I chose the name 'supernova' because I pictured an explosion of growth and creativity. Supernovas can explode at a rate almost 10% of the speed of light, so I thought I would transform into this super productive, creative, perfect person...I thought that I could change so quickly, get so many things done, all while remaining well-rested and well adjusted.

I have been feeling more like a snail than a supernova. So find me at my new blog: september snail.

Just kidding.

 The truth is that I am still working on things that I have already posted about. Like being vulnerable, fighting against resistance, and having good time management. Some days I fail at some or all of these. I have been dwelling on these negatives and feeling bad. However, I am going to work on remembering that I am still a worthwhile and deserving person whether I get everything done or not. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, and don't need to compare my progress to someone else's. I am whole and perfect already, I just need to accept and love myself even when I don't meet my own expectations. I will work on being kinder to myself.

So, to make myself feel better, it's time to remember all of the progress I have made since the beginning of the year. So here are some accomplishments:

• For four months I was a nanny to a sweet 1-year-old some mornings while keeping my afternoon job - and both the baby and mother loved me!
• I am currently taking two art classes, one on drawing, the other painting. They are making me more confident in my art skills, plus I'm having fun. I've discovered how much I love painting. I've bought myself some paint and paint sometimes at home. 
• I have read 21 books this year and am in the middle of a few others.
• I have made progress in taking my next step, teaching ESL in a foreign country. 
• I have taken excellent care of myself food-wise, eating mostly home cooked meals I've made myself...fresh fruits and vegetables, beans, grains, cheese. I am very conscientious about getting my vitamins and protein. A few years ago, I had no clue how to cook, and didn't care less about nutrition. 
• I also am pretty active! I live in a city and have a job that requires me to be active. I walk several miles a day without trying. I do yoga sometimes as well.
• I've started learning about photography.
• I have been good about cleaning my room once a week (I have a history of being a slob so this is considerable progress).
• I've been smart about my money, saving when I can and not buying things I don't need. 

When I reframe it that way, I've actually done pretty well these last few months. So, while things aren't perfect right now, I'll close my eyes, take several deep breaths, and tell myself: I forgive myself. I deeply love and accept myself. 

Then, I'll get some sleep.

The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

I read this book front to back in one sitting. It is a quick, powerful read. A week later, just to make sure I had the message down, I read it again.

Pressfield's The War of Art has the potential to be life-changing. It is the talk about art and creativity that you've been waiting to hear without realizing it. It is a kick to get going. It is a call to arms...if you're willing.

In The War of Art, Pressfield discusses a powerful repelling force called Resistance. Pressfield calls it out, exposes its many forms, so that now it can be recognized. And once you know what you are dealing with, you can fight it. The second part of the book tells you how, and the last part gets into artistic inspiration.

You may have noticed my updates have been few and far between. I have also not gotten much writing done.

Well, as the excuse is, life happened. (It's true. I picked up a second part time job that left me very little time to do anything. )

However, the real truth is that I fell victim to Resistance.

Resistance is caused by fear, mostly. But it is tricky and had disguised itself. "No one is reading this blog anyway," Resistance said. "You don't know what you are doing," and, "Suppose people DID read it, and didn't like it?" On and on it went.

It also manifested in tv show marathons and compulsive internet usage. I can easily lose hours and hours of time on the internet. I just keep clicking. Ironically, one activity that I do out of resistance is read self-help blogs. Instead of creating or writing every day, I read blog posts on the subject. If I want to win against Resistance, I can indulge in some blog reading, but spend more time actually getting words on the page.

I have been facing Resistance in another area of my life as well. I aim to find work abroad, a goal which terrifies me as much as it excites me. It is time to move on, yet I have found myself paralyzed, unable to make any progress towards my goal.

But that all is about to change, for now I recognize Resistance, and I realize it's not just something I have especially because I'm lazy. It's something that everyone deals with. And it can be defeated a day at a time.

Slowly, I can start living the life I've dreamed of.

(This goes without saying, but the book is strongly recommended.)

This Moment

“Each moment is a place 

you've never been."

- Mark Strand  

(source)

This moment is a gift. What are you going to do with it?

Be vulnerable.

(source)

I am shy. It is hard for me to trust others and open up. And for a while it felt that all the people who I opened myself up to, in both romantic relationships and friendships, hurt me, one after the other. The sting became too much. So for months, to protect myself, I closed myself off from basically everyone. I barely said much to anyone, so high were the walls I built around myself. The result  was that I was very much alone. I felt that I was strong because I didn't need anyone. I was independent, a lone girl in a fortress against the entire world.

But I was the opposite of strong. I was weak. I was hiding. I was like a seed, unwilling to sprout or grow.

I was denying myself pain but also happiness. I need friendships and support just as much as everyone else, and I was denying myself that crucial aspect of life.

Thankfully I found new friends who I could talk to and trust. I started dating again. Slowly, I allow myself to open up. Sometimes I will end up hurt, but it is a risk I am willing to take.

For, now I understand that being vulnerable is a strength. Not just in relationships, but in life. If you want your blog to be unique, you must allow yourself to shine through. If you want your art to truly speak to others, you must bleed a little so that we see that you are human. Then people can relate to you. Then your work will mean something. Then it becomes beautiful.

So, I dare you: Be vulnerable. Allow your true self to come through in everything that you do. Take risks every day in order to grow.

Time Management for Beginners

It's funny that, at 24, I am still learning time management skills. But life is forever changing. Each day I wake up a little different.

Time management is often something that needs to be RE-learned.

Because, life happens. You get busy and unmotivated. You start bad habits, like gorging on tv shows, or spending too much time on websites like tumblr. It happens to everyone. All you can do is start taking steps to move in the right direction.

That's how I began relearning time management: baby steps. It wasn't an explicit New Year's resolution, but it has become a necessary skill in order to succeed at my resolutions.

Some things that have worked for me:

1. Set monthly goals. 
Ask yourself what is truly important to you in the long run, and form a list of things that you want to do for the month, and post it somewhere you can see it and be held accountable. Try to make it concrete and measurable, e.i. work on project for x hours. Then work towards them slowly, keeping them in mind when you set daily goals.

2. Three things.
In the morning or the night before, I write down the things that I want to accomplish for the day. Three is turning out to be a great number for me. (As I was born on the 3rd of the 9th month, this makes perfect sense). Once something is accomplished I get the satisfaction of crossing it out. Some ideas for coming up with 3 things:

• What is the most important thing you can do today? Maybe it's writing, or working on a creative project. List it first, and try to get it done first.
• Make your health and wellness a priority! Exercise or meditation is great. I have been sick with a cold, and one that I have been listing is 'make ginger tea'. This is a perfect way to relax and rebuild my weak immune system. 
• Often one will include an errand or a chore (laundry, going to cvs, cleaning the bathroom sink). A word of caution, though: some days, all I get done are these kinds of things. They can become a way to procrastinate on real work. So make sure these don't take over your list.
• Another goal I usually list is to read. As a writer, reading is crucial. As it happens, I love reading, so this is a fun goal. Not all goals have to be difficult!
• For the weekends, I make a list of things to do over the course of the two days. Often I'll be busy on one day, so I can get everything done on the other day. I use the weekends to relax, cook, run some errands.

3. Use a timer. 

Timers are wonderful! When I need to do something, I set my cell phone's timer for a half hour or an hour. I work on the activity for at least that long. Then I can take a break and re-evaluate. Do I want to keep going, or switch to something else?

4. Use rewards. 
Yes, if there's one thing I've learned from Psych 101, it's that you can train yourself! After you get everything done allow yourself to watch a tv show, or do something else you really want to. Or give yourself a little treat (candy, sticker, whatever this is for you) after you accomplished something. Positive feedback really works, plus it makes life a little sweeter.

5. IDoneThis.com.
This website sends you an email at the end of the day that simply asks you: What did you get done today? You type your reply, and get a checkmark. That's it. Then you can look back and see your accomplishments. This has been beneficial for me in several ways:

• I feel that I need to do something worthy to get the check mark. So I make sure I get at least something done. And as the days go by, I am doing more and more to get that little check.
•  I am, generally, too hard on myself. The truth is that I am doing very well, and being able to look back and be reminded of everything I have accomplished has made me feel better about myself.

6. Forgive yourself.
This is probably the most important one. You are not perfect and do not have to be. Some days, you'll fall off the wagon, and time will slip by. That's okay! Don't berate yourself. Instead of feeling bad about it, think about what you can do NOW. Get up, shower, cook something, write something. And love and forgive yourself no matter what happens. Remember that tomorrow is a new chance to make the most of your time.

I have been noticing a big difference now. I used to put off things for weeks until they never got done and I felt increasingly overwhelmed. Now I am crossing things off and feeling less stressed as a result!

What works best often changes person to person. What are some time management techniques that work especially well for you?

Go For a Walk

I didn’t have anything in particular to do today, so I went for a long walk through an unfamiliar neighborhood. When I started out, I thought about how slow and heavy my legs felt. I thought about where I was heading, what I’d do when I got there, what I'd do when I got back. I checked the time. I was too wrapped up thinking to notice anything.

Then I came upon a house, a lawn, its trees all covered in wild, beautiful vines. This tiny lawn was a small patch of dark green wilderness in a sea of perfectly trimmed suburban lawns. "Wow," I thought. "Wow."

(I only took a quick picture.)

I continued walking, but I was changed. I started looking at my surroundings in a new way. I was drinking in every detail, no longer thinking about anything. The sun was bright and the air was still, leaving everything bathed in tranquility. Time seemed to have stopped. Everything seemed magical. And what did it matter what time it was? The suburban homes were rich in detail. One house still had Charlie Brown Christmas decorations out. Another was orange with purple trim. I was so curious I even picked up paper scraps and looked at them. A description of children’s crafts. A paper that had come with a guitar purchase. I was so spellbound, I half wished I had a notebook with me, for I wanted to write down everything and capture the feeling. But sometimes it is important to just be present. Looking. Absorbing. Being.

When you’re in the present moment, you realize that there are no problems. There is nothing to worry about. You are part of the universe, irrevocably connected with everything. Everything around you was created just for you at this moment. 

Go for a walk. Allow yourself to become transfixed, amazed, and in love with everything that you see. It is good for your soul. 

2012 Resolutions

Usually at the beginning of the year I make vague resolutions that I forget a month or so later. I'm aiming high this year, higher than ever before. This year, I am aiming for...


1. Supernova-sized Creative Growth. 

• Start and maintain a blog, updating at least once a week. 
• Publish a zine and/or e-book. 
• Rewrite and edit my NaNo novel. 
• Take at least 1 art class. Fill up sketchbooks. 
• Submit my writing to various small publications. 

(a little doodle print I made)

2. Supernova-sized personal and spiritual growth. 

• Read 60+ books. 
• Do lots of yoga/meditation. 
• Start learning Korean. 
• Place a high value on healthy eating. 
• Stay focused and productive day-to-day.

These are just some goals for now. When I finish them, I'll add new ones. It will be a year of living fully, of adventures.

I have big plans for this year. I would like it to be the start of an explosion of creativity and life. 2012 is the year I will shine brighter than ever. Become a flame that cannot be stopped. A vision that cannot be contained. I’ll become a supernova. 

What about you?


What are your big plans and goals for 2012?